Rob and Beata A typical scene on a Saturday afternoon for the last several years in Rob’s and Beata’s lives goes something like this: Rob’s been out, doing essentially anything he can to stay away from the apartment that he describes as dismal, claustrophobic and depressing. Beata is at home in sweats watching TV and … Continue reading →

We have expectations of what a partner should be and do for us. We also come (somewhat indignantly) to realize that they have expectations of us. The unfortunate pieces of our learning are: -we need to do what they want so that they’ll keep loving us (or we act out by getting reactive and doing … Continue reading →

For those who’ve lost the sexuality in their relationships and who think “I just need to be with someone else who’s more able to be sensual and intimate”, I remind them that the loss of it is due to the dyad itself – for multiple reasons – and that going to a new person will … Continue reading →

AFFAIRS: An Atypical Model for Better Coupling*  This is not an ode to infidelity, nor does it avoid recognizing the deep wounds and lost trust that is the fallout of such a breach within a couple. Rather, it’s a recognition of the ways people typically abandon key aspects of the self in the process of … Continue reading →

The Times article, “The Summer You’re Not Having” (8/19/15) http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/20/fashion/on-instagram-the-summer-youre-not-having.html is all about FOMO. It’s not new,  we’ve seen that sort of feeling expressed forever; but it’s certainly exacerbated by the ubiquity of people’s online “curated” lives (aptly described by Dr. Ethan Kross, cited in the article). Having occasional concern over missing out, or not being … Continue reading →

You’ve all known people (or yourself) who, early on, begin finding things wrong with a person they’ve met -”he’s only a second-tier musician” -”she laughs too loudly” -”her hips are too big” -”he tells me he misses me too often” – the funniest: “he hardly has any apps” -”he’s not smart enough because he didn’t … Continue reading →

WHEN THE NEEDY PERSON MASQUERADES AS  THE CARETAKER The Problem: Dependent/needy people mold themselves to their partners, admiring and revering most things they do and secretly (or not-so-secretly) thinking the other person is better than they are, though finding a way to believe “but I’m more giving; I care more”. So they’ll say things like, … Continue reading →

Waiting, or taking a time-out for oneself, is essentially a method to avoid becoming reactive; the reactivity being the very thing that exacerbates the problems rather than getting the situation back to neutral. If we wait, i.e., manage our anxiety,  we have a better chance of discerning whether the thing bothering us is just an ‘irritant’ or … Continue reading →

How you see yourself determines your behavior and, reflexively, your behavior determines how you see yourself (and thus, how others come to see you); it’s a feedback loop. So, if you see yourself as highly competent, you’re going to behave in situations with self-certainty and ease. You’ll be more likely to manage a job interview … Continue reading →

When you react to someone, there’s a tantrum quality to it; you’ve probably held it in for a while not quite knowing how to deal with it, e.g., you ‘don’t want to hurt the other’s feelings (i.e., you don’t want them to get angry with you), you’re thinking you may be behaving over-sensitively, you believe … Continue reading →