For those who’ve lost the sexuality in their relationships and who think “I just need to be with someone else who’s more able to be sensual and intimate”, I remind them that the loss of it is due to the dyad itself – for multiple reasons – and that going to a new person will be exciting only until the same stunted aspects of the relationship again take hold.….And that to have more sex you have to feel more sexual: And this occurs in many realms, not simply the act*

Sex is a thousand things, but you have to be able to perceive it in yourself and the other. 

SEX IS:

-Being able to talk through some real difficulty, noticing yourselves both trying hard to understand the other’s stance, is incredibly sexy.

-Recognizing how calmly she listens when you tell her your concerns about losing your job, and not worrying that she’ll immediately need you to manage her anxieties about it.

-He realizes that when he’d gotten annoyed,  it wasn’t because he was actually angry at you but rather that he was angry at himself for being so disabled when it came to discussing the problems between you; and that he admired your ability to address things well.

-Watching your mate across the room at a dinner with friends, realizing you’re both having a good time in separate conversations – and valuing that.

-Noticing the intense competence as she describes to someone her research into the hypothalamic/pituitary/adrenal axis.

-Being able to tell your partner openly that you’re feeling less sexual with him and not sure why; but hoping you can figure this out together (with there being no repercussions of sullenness, resentment, feeling you’ve ‘damaged’ him, etc.)

-Touching him simply because you want (and recognize that you want) a moment of connection

-Observing how he talks to your kid in a way that truly helps her understand something that went wrong with a friend

-Registering her joy as she greets a friend after not seeing her in a long time – and not feeling she’s taking time away from you.

-Witnessing her ebullience and excitement in all sorts of things, and not feeling it should only be for you.

-As she tells a story, experiencing – as you did in the early days – her utter engagement in life.
Fill in your own; there are exponential ways….

*To feel the desire to be more sexual again, aspects of the sex itself have to open up and change as well; but this is addressed elsewhere.