Everyday, and multiple times per day, people ask the essential question of: ‘How do I get here from there?’ And they proceed to berate themselves for ‘not having done anything,’’ which is rarely true. That is, they ignore the smaller steps they’ve taken because they believe those are useless in comparison to meeting the real … Continue reading →

I’ve been meaning to discuss Successive Approximation forever; I mention it often in normal conversation (at least, ‘normal’ for me) and in several writings. It is, very simply, one of the cornerstones of human change. It facilitates working toward new goals, changing attitudes and behavior, and even altering the negative beliefs about self (narratives) that … Continue reading →

This is a critical issue, because people believe that the very nature of constantly dealing with one person through all the  difficulties and troubles in life would produce boredom. But – and this is a big but – consider the fact that so many relationships (and affairs) actually begin in the workplace as a result … Continue reading →

Sometimes, as children, we take care of our caretakers with the unwitting hope that they’ll ultimately be able to take care of us. But, in reality, it rarely ever happens. Parentified Children (PCs) never realize they’re holding the home together or keeping the parent (and family) functioning – because it’s just what’s ‘normal’ in their … Continue reading →

  In the following examples of one partner going online/on app (to: relieve boredom/feel wanted/reduce FOMO/identify self as worthy, etc),  I describe it from the vantage point of the partner who’s venturing online for these purposes – and thus, I mostly address what’s going on for that person – and less so from their partners’ … Continue reading →

There’s a growing trend of people – who are often part of a couple – who use dating apps as a form of porn, i.e., as a route to excitement, feeling attractive, worthy, titillated and more confident. It’s a bit like a performer who revels in the applause, but within minutes after it dies down … Continue reading →

Our fears about trying something new or going outside of our comfort zones create a kind of paralysis in which we just stay put; it’s the ‘deer in the headlights’ phenomenon. The anxieties about negative outcomes – i.e., rejection, looking foolish, making a mistake, failing – are so frightening that many people never make movement … Continue reading →

Going ‘Meta’ means looking for more accurate explanations as to what makes us or someone else behave, think, or relate in certain problematic ways. This is in contrast to making assumptions about these things based on our own idiosyncratic experience. When we’re feeling uncomfortable or anxious, e.g., “my wife seems more into her partner at … Continue reading →

People often use the rationale of ‘needing closure’ as the reason they’re contacting – yet again – the person who broke up with them. On some level they have the fantasied notion that it’s the other person who will make them feel okay about ending it. The underlying assumption is that they’ll somehow come to an … Continue reading →

It’s always fascinating when people identify themselves as ‘the giver’ in the relationship. With that self-ordained moniker, it’s clear that they’re unable to perceive how the other gives and participates, and more pointedly, they fail to recognize how they themselves ‘take’ from their partners. It’s problematic on a number of levels: the identified giver becomes … Continue reading →