People often use the rationale of ‘needing closure’ as the reason they’re contacting – yet again – the person who broke up with them. On some level they have the fantasied notion that it’s the other person who will make them feel okay about ending it. The underlying assumption is that they’ll somehow come to an understanding of why it all happened and where it went wrong. But if the two had been able to do that to begin with, they’d have likely never had to break up in the first place.

Thus, going back repetitively for closure is usually done by people who 1. haven’t learned to manage their anxiety on their own and, 2. over-depend on the partner to make them feel okay in the world. These people differ from those who are aware they’re going back in to see if they can work things through; and attempting to do that once or twice is reasonable. But if it’s sought beyond what the other is willing to accede to, then it’s still about demanding anxiety reduction (and solace and care) from the other – which, in feedback-loop style is the very thing that has likely pushed the partner away to begin with.

Lovely and wonderful as solace and care may feel from a partner, if you can start finding ways to self-soothe you’ll have a greater chance of both actually having a productive closure conversation and will have gained skills in becoming a more independent partner going forward.