We’re shadow boxing whenever we’re making assumptions about what the other person feels, thinks, believes and how he’ll behave..It’s about our expectations – and the perceived likelihood of them (not) being met. Exacerbating this, we behave as if our beliefs about the other are true, and then react to the ‘effigy’ we’ve created rather than … Continue reading

Paying Attention To The Data

I remind people often when getting into relationships or starting to date someone new to ‘look for the data’. That is, particularly as people know more about themselves and the mistakes they’ve tended to make interpersonally, including in the selection process – i.e., the kinds of people they keep choosing –  it’s critical to pay … Continue reading


If you’re a conflict avoider, then, by definition, you’re a conflict creator (or co-creator)  – and this holds true whether it’s a personal or a professional relationship. When another person does/says something that you don’t like there are consequences: frustration, anger, hurt, annoyance, resentment and so on. And those feelings will out. Some people have pretty … Continue reading


Meta-conversations are some of the most interesting kinds of interactions we can have and are essential to greater understanding between people –  interpersonally, professionally and otherwise. Parsimoniously speaking, it’s a way of addressing how we’re speaking about things, and how those ways may be interfering with solutions and progress – and then correcting them. Oddly … Continue reading